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A Little Conspiracy Fact.

This is a deal the government has done with Martians.

It is a deal designed to reduce the earth population, which actually a bad idea because it’s hardly worth staying now that ‘they’ have, or are systematically taking the taste out of food that used to be lovely. For a start I mean, tomatoes and peas. Tomatoes and peas used to taste gorgeous, but now blandness rules the day. Natural sweetness has gone for a burton.

This is it. You don’t have to believe it.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but toilet rolls are getting smaller. It’s maybe because cynical managers have had an idea that customers to supermarkets are happy with what they are buying, so managers have decided to put a stop to that ‘happy’ nonsense.

Here’s the unbelievable news. The future of mankind depends on toilet rolls and the cheat which companies use. It is a technique called cell shed and works like this. People think that it’s to make more money by giving less, but that isn’t quite true. Toilet rolls are shrinking, but there is a real good reason for this.

A human is a complicated thing, with a mind which is very powerful; although you wouldn’t think so. Now with an ordinary sized toilet roll, things are ok, but when the toilet roll is reduced slightly in size, the human’s mind cannot accept this, and because the mind is so powerful, it sheds a few cells from the body which are shat out. That’s where the toilet roll comes in the wipe the butt. The cells which are shat were healthy calls from the body, but the body slightly shrinks to compensate for the loo roll. It is all done sub consciously, so the human is unaware. The same thing was done with those big biscuit things called Wagon Wheels years ago and people started calling them hub caps, but that wasn’t done for a sinister reason like toilet rolls.

As toilet rolls get gradually smaller, humans get smaller too, but it’s so slow they don’t notice.

I know of someone, dead now, who was a friend of mine who told me he’d seen little people, no drink or drugs involved. They were victims of smallerisation. The rate of smallerisation is 1mm every 2 months.

A conversation would go like this:

“Hasn’t this superstore got bigger”

“Yes, they must be expanding”

So everything gets bigger as human’s get smaller.


Come will the day when the conversation goes:

“Wow! That must be one of those giant Redwood trees.”

“Yes, it’s massive isn’t it”




“Wow! Look at the size of that dandelion!”

“Yeah! Must be a new species”


So we’re all getting smaller because of toilet rolls, but why?


Well the answer is very simple. The earth is bursting at the seams with people, so our leaders have had a meeting with Martians.


“Whoa! You say, Mars is a dead planet isn’t it?”


Read more »


The False Family

My Nana, my Granddad, my mother and my father all had false teeth.  My uncle said to my nana one day ‘crikey mam, you look like a horse”. But the best laugh of all was when I was complaining to my mother for giving me the middle name Francis. It didn’t go down well in school where it was seen as girlish. That’s before the term gay was popular.

My mother would say to me, “Well Francis Lee isn’t soft (he was a footballer), and then the biggie, the one that made her teeth do an Irish jig in her mouth. “What about St Francis of Assisi”. “What about him?” “All the animals and the birds loved him”. What had that to do with me being laughed at for the stupid name you’ve given me? That’s useful if you’re a hunter, having them come up to you, saves you stalking them with a gun.

Don’t be nasty!

I’m not, I’m just stating facts.

And then there was my wife’s father before I met her, he was called Cliff. He was a printer, not that that matters. He came home one evening tired from work, so he lay on the couch. While he was dozing, his false teeth fell out of his pocket onto the floor. The dog came into the living room, sniffed around, and found the teeth that obviously smelt of what her dad had had for his dinner. The dog crunched them up.

Cliff woke and found the dog licking its lips and looking all innocent.

It became apparent to Cliff very quickly, and his first thought was, ‘the dog has eaten my teeth!’

The emotion of anger was combined with the emotion of panic, quickly followed by anger, which quickly escalated to rage. By this point steam was coming out of Cliff’s ears and the dog had sensed danger and buggered off.

Cliff decided that as his wife had wanted the dog, she would be the next target.

Cliff found her in the kitchen making his tea, of roast pork and crackling. Oh my God, Cliff loved roast pork with crackling ... it made his mouth water. Then the little voice in his head said ‘but what about teeth to crunch that beautiful, crispy crackling up?  This time my friend, you’re going to have to suck it. This information sank into his brain and sent Cliff into a psychopathic red faced rage, so much so that he ran into the kitchen to his wife who was preparing dinner.

“ Thabt gbleudggy dolagsby glpttab gooooo”

Translation, with teeth: “That bloody dog’s gotta go!”

It didn’t help when his wife said ...”Pardon?”

A very short while later, the dog passed the teeth in the garden. Cliff picked them up and washed them, stuck them together with a mix of flour and water, and had a bad taste in his mouth for a week or two, and no, I don’t mean the flour and water.

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